Nature of the mind

Yogas Citta Vritti Nirodhah

Yoga is the cessation of movements in the consciousness.

~Iyengar

Happy 3rd Birthday to my Sunshine

Xavier, already trying to fit into his dad's hat and shoes.

On February 3, 2009, a ray of light and bundle of pure joy came into my life.

I asked him if he wanted to hear his birth story and he said, what's that? I said, you know the story of how you came out of my belly and he said, no.

So in love with you

One of the highlights of my day, hearing President Obama sing a little bit of Al Green and sounding really good! I asked my husband Demetrius, did he hear it? He said no, how did he sound? I told him, "so good it would make a woman want to take her panties off and throw them at him!" Yea, I said it.

My nerd

My son. The nerd. And I mean that in the most affectionate way. Nerds are hot. He's the one kid that wants to bring his book with him when he plays at the park. Of course it's a book about trucks.

Surrendering to loss

Surrendering to what is...

I was reflecting on the goals and resolutions I set last year. Last year we were planning to have another baby and I lost the baby. It happened in March and I couldn’t bring myself to write anything about it. I couldn’t bring myself to write about much of anything for the rest of the year. Here I am finally writing about it, healing it. Moving into the discomfort rather than running away. Being alive, feeling it, and being fully present. It was one of the most painful things, both physically and emotionally, that I’ve had to go through. So painful I couldn’t write about it. I was afraid to feel it, the weight of all of it, and share it. It was the first time in a long time that I could see myself slipping into a very dark place. The one thing that kept me out of that dark place was my son, my beautiful son. I had to keep living my best for him and why wouldn’t I want to.

It seems that not many people talk about having miscarriages but it happens quite frequently. Because of this it can become a very lonely and isolating experience. The only thing worse than having one would be to have two or three, which many women I know endure and survive. Surviving loss can be a true test of your strength. Loss redefines you, expands you and deepens your relationship to your self. You ask yourself, do I have the capacity to move beyond this loss? Life completely changes when a child is born and completely changes when a baby is lost. It can also be difficult when other people minimize the loss from a miscarriage because the baby has yet to be born into the world. Just try again is sometimes said to help ease your pain. But the fear of losing again may be greater than the desire to try again.

I could never have imagined the amount of pain experienced from a miscarriage, both physical and emotional. The numerous ultra sounds reminding me over and over that this baby was not developing and then waiting for it to happen spontaneously, was torture. When it did happen, it felt like going into labor only there was no baby to hold after enduring all that pain and agony. No joy, no light and no life, only sadness, grief and despair.

Now here I am with a baby girl growing inside of me. Another gift. Another blessing. Another opportunity to experience bringing a little being into the world.

With so much love, joy, gratitude and hope surrounding me and my family. We aim to live in that place full of compassion, kindness and forgiveness. Full of dreams.

Love and light in the New Year and Always.

Xavier bonding with our baby girl growing in my belly.